I feel physically and mentally exhausted. I feel that I am letting my family and everyone else down with my weakness. How could things have got to this?
My greatest fear is that my Psychologist Paul Dennis will finally close my case file. I realise that the NHS is under tremendous pressure with finance and funding. If he does this I will have nobody, and I don’t know how long I can keep fighting this.
At present, we meet for an hour every three months or so -just to have a catch up
I have tried mindfulness, counselling, and everything else in a bid to achieve a better quality of life – ALL has failed.
I have attended various courses at the Recovery College, but in reality, these courses have not been of any benefit. As I have said before, as good as the tutors at the College are, it is like sticking a plaster over a festering wound before the actual wound itself has been treated.
Due to what happened, I was diagnosed as having PTSD – a serious mental illness, which for over nine years, gone relatively untreated. It has been allowed to fester and manifest to a point where it cannot be healed.
So for everything that I have done (in the quest for a better quality of mental health) – it is my, and my voices opinion, that until the source is treated (the PTSD), there will be no improvement. I even asked if I could be considered for the electrode procedure to my head….anything, everything to make life better.
I have tried to talk to my wife, I have offered several times to leave, I think it is all just a waiting game.
It certainly isn’t fair for my wife to have to put up with this person that I have become.
I feel like passenger with his packed suitcase, sat on a bench at a railway station – waiting for my correct train to come in.
When it does arrive, I can board, find a seat, and be taken off to somewhere that doesn’t entertain sadness or sorrow. a remote village, somewhere where I can finally find peace – somewhere where I can finally smile again.