I am having so many negative thoughts at the moment.
I have an update appointment with the only Medical Expert that I trust – Psychologist Paul Dennis, at the Millbrook Mental Health Unit on the 6th of December 2018. But to be fair, it IS just an update.
I think that NINE years after the event, and with my recovery treatment for PTSD put on hold for so long, that it is impossible to ever get me back to any kind of level headed mental health.
I sit there in my house – I look at my wife, my wife says she loves me and yet doesn’t want me any where near her… For TWO years it has been like this.
All I get is an occasional pat on the head, like I would do to my dog – then I am off to my bedroom alone – sad. –
I feel like some kind of alien – WHAT has changed so much between us for things to be the way they are.
I know this whole affair has effected you, and I know you are the strong one….But where are you now?
Is that really you sitting opposite me – or are you, or have you, become someone else?
I remember someone saying you can be in a crowded room and yet feel so alone – that’s how I feel – just like in that children’s home so many years ago – so very alone.
My head hurts–I don’t know what to do. I don’t know which way to turn – or who to ask for help.
Is this it? – am I really here?
Then the familiar voices come back into my head ” Did you really think we were going to let you go so easily”?
I realise that “they” are back, in reality, they had never left.
I have to try and hide this form of madness from everyone – I have to be like that spider who sits on the edge of his spiders web, patiently sitting, waiting, for the right time to strike – Someone, somewhere, has to pay for what they have done to me – I have passed the point of no return.